bikes, wives and leeches

I'm so sorry. The internet connection stopped working, so I haven't written or emailed or anything for ages (although have saved a small fortune by being temporarily unable to access ebay), so you have missed my getting food poisoning from the Commander's supper party, being attacked by leeches in the hills, Twin 2s toenail falling off, and scandal amongst the wives. So much can happen in a mere ten days! 

However, the strangest thing of all was seeing a man masturbating whilst riding a bicycle. 

I know this seems unfeasible, not to mention unhealthy, but I saw it with my own eyes (and wish I hadn't, in fact). One can only admire the man's balance and dexterity, and total lack of shame.

I saw this on the way to the monthly partner's club coffee morning, to which I almost didn't go (I'm not sure whether it's the bingo or the samosas that make me feel more nervous), but I did as I had promised to meet someone there so we could go for lunch afterwards. Anyway, I'm glad I did as I arrived in time for a bit of drama. The Commander's wife was stood up, telling the seated circle of partners (all wives, with the exception of one nonplussed looking husband) about a 'bad patch' the partners' club has just been through, and exhorting us all just to 'be nice, and be friends' and explaining that the last week had been a bit like a volcanic eruption amongst the club, and now it was time for the lava to cool... this quite lengthy speech ended with her thanking the club's chairperson for all her hard work and attempting to give her a bunch of flowers. Before she could do so, the now ex-chair ran from the room, hastily pursued by the Commander's wife. There was the sound of scuffling outside. The Commander's wife returned a few minutes later, minus the ex-chairperson, and the bunch of flowers was left abandoned on the coffee table. For a minute or so, nobody spoke, but then everyone remembered it was time to do the bingo.

Turns out that there's been a massive old hoo-har with the partners' club over the last ten days about one thing and another (most of which I've been blissfully ignorant of), which has culminated in the resignation of the chairperson. What scandal! I'm really quite glad I refused to be part of the club's committee when I was given the option, as it seems I have saved myself all kinds of tears, bitterness and recrimination etc. Still, it's been the talk of camp all week, apparently (Hubby has no interest in gossip so is a fairly useless source of information).

Now my advice to all those wives involved (should they ever seek it) would be to get out a bit more. Maybe if they did they would happen across (I was going to write 'come across' there, but it seemed a bit inappropriate) the masturbating cyclist. And it would give them all something else to think about.