Monday 30 November 2009

aliens and apple cores

Kids have got two of their little friend's round and, at Sons instigation, they are all playing 'martians'. He asked me to put Holst's Planets on the stereo. At the moment the Twins and their little friend are lying on the floor pretending to be dead aliens who have been killed by the baddy alien, so it's quite calm. For some reason, converting the living room into outer space involves pulling all the curtains away from the windows and draping them across the sofas. Other martian props include half eaten apples, discarded library books and upturned coffee tables. Almost exactly like being on the set of Star Wars, I think you'll agree.
Sorry, yet again, for not having written for ages. Mum and Dad have been and gone, as has my cousin's girlfriend, which just leaves him. I'm not sure what he's up to at the moment but if he ventures downstairs right now he'll be sucked into hyperspace.
Anyway, I've got over Swine Flu and now I've got a cold. Which is probably God's punishment on me for thinking less-than-Christian thoughts about my church-going bearded cousin staying for another week. I want to be a nicer person, but I'm not.
December 1st tomorrow, hurrah! Which means I can drag in the xmas tree, and we can start doing traditional family things like, erm, watching lots of DVDs and eating chocolate. Last year I put on a couple of kilos over christmas, so I'll have to be careful this year and try to share at least some of the chocolate biscuit selection box kindly bought by my visiting cousin (you see, now I'm feeling even more guilty about my attitude to his extended stay).
Twin 1 is now wondering around with a pair of pink stripey tights on her head, and plastic shoes three sizes too big. Because that's what martian's wear, apparently.
Incidentally, what are alien healthcare workers called? Doc Martians! I could make a fortune writing jokes for crackers, me. I might have to as well. The more I work on editing my book, the less convinced I am by its merit. Still, I have heard that there's a living to be made writing verses for Hallmark cards - and I could then call myself a poet, woo-hoo.
There's now some backseat driving going on in the space ship and it's starting to get a bit shouty, so I might relocate to Venus (my bedroom) in a bit.
Anyway, promise to try to write a bit more regularly in December.
TTFN x

Wednesday 25 November 2009

stuff

Yeah, I know, I've been a bit remiss. Soz. So, it turns out that we've had swine flu (well, me and the girls anyway) - so that's what that chest infection thingy was the other week. So that whole quarantine thing was all completely unneccessary (ooh, way too many consonants in that word but I can't remember the real spelling, sorry), and it meant that Son missed out on showing off in his class assembly, and Twin 1 missed out on having the lead in the Christmas play. I don't think they're that bothered, but I'm quite sad about it. The old 'home schooling' concept never really got off the ground, so it's a good job they were only off for a week.
Anyway, beardy and welshy are in Chitwan at the moment, I think. And I think they are coming back here tomorrow. I'm not sure.
My parents have been and gone. They arrived Thursday evening and left this morning. Now they are on some posh train in India going to look at the Taj Mahal (and recovering from being covered in grandchildren for five days!).
I was going to get stuck into the book this morning, but Twin 1 had to go to hospital to have an ultrasound to make sure her kidneys and bladder are working properly, which they are. Blimey, this family is such a bunch of hypochondriac malingerers. Wonder whose turn it will be tomorrow. Perhaps I will succumb to suspected Ebola or something?
Hubby has not been back to the Red Rooster since his return from the UK ten days ago. I think this might mean that the whole Anna Kournikova thing has come to a natural conclusion. Which ex-sports personality will be next, I wonder? I heard that Sharon Davies has split up from her husband (I think I read it in Heat magazine at the hairdressers the other week), so perhaps she'll be on the lookout for a balding, grouchy late-entry officer? Oh, as well as the gout, he also thinks he might have arthritis in his right hand - he says it's always very stiff in the mornings (make of that what you will)...
Ooh, I do have some news. Hubby has been offered the option to extend here for another year, and I think we are going to risk the whole getting-annihilated-by-a-major-earthquake - thing and go for it (listen, I'm prepared to accept the very real chance of getting buried under rubble if it means I escape housework for another year).
Right, if I'm quick I might be able to edit chapter four before I go to pick up Twin 2, so I'm off now. Tootle pip!

Wednesday 18 November 2009

fish wives and swine flu

So, last week I had the kids off school all week because they were ill; this week they are off school all week again, to keep them away from the other kids at school who might be ill. No irony there, then (also, no time in the gym, spa, and definitely no time for writing the book).
The problem is the whole scary old swine flu thing which has finally made its way to Nepal. In fact, the first case picked up in the BGN community was in Hubby's workplace.
Twin 2 is within the category of those who might suffer complications from swine flu, as she is under five and has borderline asthma (not sure if the cerebral palsy is really relevant). Secondary healthcare in Nepal is pants. So, after a lengthy conversation with the doctor, we decided it might be prudent to keep her away from possible sources of infection - ie school. But then we realised that there was no point keeping her off school and sending the other two in, as they could just as easily pick it up and pass it on at home. Hence, they are all off school.
Also, shortly after we decided on this course of action, our first lot of visitors arrived (bearded cousin and Welsh girlfriend - not that there is anything wrong with being bearded, or Welsh, or both; in fact I have several bearded Welsh relatives of both sexes). But you know, trying vaguely to 'home school' when there are exciting visitors to flirt with is almost impossible. I have resorted to just giving Son lots of books from my Usborne stock, and letting him get on with it.
Feel like such a fraud keeping them off as we are all perfectly fine - apart from being bored silly.
The only thing of interest recently has been Meena and Sanu's big row yesterday evening. Hubby asked if someone could come in and do a bit of washing up in the evening whilst we have guests, and asked if Meena and Sanu could work as a team to try to make this possible (Meena has been going home before six, now the evenings are darker, whereas Sanu finishes at three, but lives on site). There was much tears, bitterness, accusations and recriminations. I wish my Nepali was better because it sounded like a right fishwives brawl. Still, those two have always had an uneasy relationship, ever since our predecessors left Sanu with their old microwave and Meena had a huff and wouldn't speak to her for two months. The only thing that got them talking then was when we sacked Dinesh, the driver.
The obvious way to solve this rift and get them chummy again this time would be to sack someone else, I suppose. However, there is no-one left to sack - apart from either Sanu or Meena, which would be counter-productive.
Sunil promised to come tonight with a couple of shirts. What are the chances he'll turn up now, d'you reckon? Even at warp speed he'll never reach it through the intergalactic highway from Betelgeuse by nine.
Hubby has just phoned from Pokhara. He has had lots of whiskey and is now contemplating spending the rest of the night in the 'X-bar'. I'm wondering if Anna Kournikova knows about this? Perhaps she has quit 'Crazy girls' for the 'X-bar' or perhaps she has given up her pursuit of Hubby and returned to Enrico? He said, in a slightly slurred voice, that Pretty Woman was on the telly in his hotel and it made him think of me. Which is gratifying, I guess, except that I couldn't really look any less like Julia Roberts if I tried, so I think he may just have been thinking about women, pretty or otherwise.
Hmm, yet another day of exciting 'home schooling' to look forward to tomorrow. I'm counting down the days until Twin 2's swine flu vaccination arrives...

Wednesday 11 November 2009

house of germs

We are the house of pneumonia this week. I had great plans, with Hubby away, of dropping the kids off at the school bus and then having a swift half hour in the gym and then putting in a solid couple of hours on the book before having to pick up Twin 2 from school. But then fate intervened in the shape of chest infections. Twin 2 has been off for three days, and today Twin 1 joined her. It's not too bad because it's during the week, at least, so the house is clean and tidy and the cooking is done. However, Sanu now has a bad back and Meena is complaining of flu-like symptoms, so I may be on my own again soon! Fingers crossed I don't get ill as well. At least Son is well out of it as he is off on a school trip until Friday afternoon - went off this morning looking like a tortoise underneath an extremely large rucksack.
Haven't heard much from Hubby, enjoying his steamy escape to Sutton with the lovely ex-tennis pro, no doubt (or alternatively listening to lots of men with very short hair talk about what they have to pick up from Tescos for the missus whilst they're back in Blighty). Hopefully when he gets back we will have some idea of where we are likely to get posted to next summer. My money is on me and the kids being in the UK and Hubby being in Afghanistan.
Kids are already starting rehearsals for the Christmas play. Twin 1 is a camel (I think, but she is a bit vague). This is her line: "Humph!". So it will be worth the grandparents sitting through the hour-long school DVD to catch that, don't you think? Twin 2 hasn't been given her line yet as she has been off school all week. I can't wait to find out what it is: maybe she gets to yawn three quarters of the way through Act 2, or something. Do you think she will be a camel as well? Last year they were unconvincing-looking polar bear cubs. It's all a bit disappointing, because in my head they are both little angels, or at the very least, snow fairies. Still, what can I expect when they are germ-ridden and snotty-looking as at the moment. And at least with these coughs they will sound like camels.
Supper time now, must go xxx

Sunday 8 November 2009

Crazy girl getaway to wanton West Mids

It's been ages again, hasn't it? Soz. So what thrilling things have been happening?
On Monday Hubby went on the raz with Anna Kournikova (see previous).
On Tuesday I went to a meeting of a new creative writing group (lots of scary high-powered people there, like barristers, political journalists, documentary makers, etc. However, I was the only one who had nearly finished writing a book, oh, and the only one with twins, too. So I managed not to feel too overwhelmed).
On Wednesday I went out for a meal in Thamel with a group of wives (there was a moment of drama on the way home when our taxi got a flat tyre in the middle of old Kathmandu and we were stranded in the deserted streets with only a rat, a beggar and a pack of stray dogs for company - oddly, I didn't feel worried in the slightest, not sure why).
On Thursday I didn't go out because it was Hubby's last night and he was packing.
Yes, I'm a single parent yet again. Woo Hoo, it's almost like the good old days on Chetwynd Barracks at the moment. (This weekend I also rather rashly agreed to have a friend's two children for the whole weekend as she was going to a wedding in Pokhara, making me effectively a single parent of five for forty eight hours. Luckily they are extremely lovely children and not at all brattish, so it was fine, although I am heartily sick of washing up now and we have totally run out of food.)
On Friday I felt a bit pants because Hubby got up at sparrow's fart to catch his flight and also was awake half the night with leg cramps (him, not me). Thought he might have DVT, or the early stages of gout or something hideous, but he assured me he was quite well enough to make it to his extremely important meeting/forum/symposium/conference thingy in Birmingham (perhaps he is taking Anna Kournikova with him?
Her: (stoking his thigh) Oh, Darlink, take me avay from thees 'orrible place!
Him: Well, I'm off to Sutton Coldfield on Friday to meet lots of other men just like me to talk about work, if you're interested.
Her: (stroking his chest) Oh, darlink, zat would be sooo romantic!
Him: And Enrico won't mind?
Her: (breathily into his ear) Enrico is nuzzink to me since I met you, you darlink leetle man! Him: Good-oh. And my early onset gout and male pattern baldness doesn't bother you?
Her: (letting her hair fall in a golden cascade over his face) I sink you are the sexiest man in ze whole of the small region of Patan known as Man Bhawan.
Him: (brushing her hair off him in an irritated way) Oh, okay, then. And what do you think about water treatment?
Her: (pouting)Vat?
Him: Water treatment, you know, finding sources of potable water and subjecting aforementioned to a variety of chemical and technical processes until they fit in with WHO standards for human consumption, notwithstanding the inevitable issues of crypto-spiridium, ammonia, oh, and ammonium for that matter, and the optimum size of borehole required to access an aquifer?
Her: (eyes closed) zzzzzzzzz).

Hmm, not really right to imagine my husband getting intimate with Anna 'crazy girl' Kournikova, is it? Even if he does talk about water treatment until she nods off in boredom...

Monday 2 November 2009

Ooh, ooh, I've just remembered, it's Anna Kournikova. Yes, I am trivia Queen! Good to know that the book of general knowledge crosswords I have just ordered from Amazon won't be a complete waste of money. I'm sure there will be a question about Anna Kournikova in there somewhere.

crazy girls

Well, I was going to either spend some time editing the book tonight or snuggling up with Hubby on the sofa to watch a DVD and I have ended up doing neither, so decided to write to you instead.
Hubby is out at the Red Rooster. He said that he was going for a quick one after work and would be home in time for the kids' bedtime. No, I didn't believe him either. The Red Rooster is a small bar off a side street, right next to the 'Crazy Girls' dance bar. And guess what, the picture on the sign outside the Crazy Girls bar shows the face of that Russian bird who used to play tennis before shacking up with Enrico Iglesias (apologies for poor spelling). Oh, you know the one I mean. I can't remember her name but she has long blonde hair and what my mother would describe as 'come hither' eyes. Anyway, it seems she is now working just down the road from the Gurkha camp in Kathmandu. Who would have thought? Wonder if Nepal is going to become a repositary for ex-sporting totty? Perhaps we'll see Sharon Davies serving dahl at the Summit Hotel, or Fatima Whitbread driving the school bus. Who knows?
Yes, so anyway, that's where Hubby is, consorting with clapped-out tennis totty and a half empty glass of whisky, no doubt. Which means the cuddling and DVD is on hold.
And the book? Well, I have spent a frustratingly long time trying to create Christmas cards via an online photo thingy, but the internet connection is just pants tonight, so the whole project was doomed to frustration and eventual failure. So, if you don't get a Christmas card from me then soz. Oh, and incidentally, if you do want a Christmas card from me, then you will probably need to let me know your address. My address book is shockingly out of date (as is my hairstyle and taste in underwear - but I digress).
The reason I didn't get any book editing done this morning is that I had to go on a school trip with the Twins. I hadn't actually volunteered for it, but had let the class teacher know that I could be available if she was desperate. She was, unfortunately (apparently one of the teaching assistants was at a funeral and the other one couldn't go because she had her period and was therefore 'unclean' and not allowed to go to temple - yeah, right, love, we have all used that one to get out of PE; I think she just knew what was in store and got her mum to write a note).
We took them all to a temple in Patan. I had both the Twins in my group, and two other little girls. Their class teacher gave us an activity sheet and told us to get on with it. Have you ever tried getting disinterested four-year-olds to count how many different types of butter lamps they can see? Or to let the scary-looking smelly old man put tikka on their foreheads? Sadly I think my group were distinctly underwhelmed by the whole cultural/religious thing, and just complained about feeling hungry.
Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a teacher, as I did notice another mum's group high-fiving and being congratulated on being 'great temple detectives!'
I was just relieved when it was all over. If I get asked to go next week I might have to get out of it somehow, I don't know, maybe by chucking myself under a Tata truck or getting swine flu. Both of which would be preferable options to another morning on a foundation class trip.

ps. What was that tennis player's name? Ivana? It will bug me all night now...