packing

Following the awful discovery yesterday that our hotel rate doesn't include breakfast (what is the ninety-odd pounds per night for, exactly?), I have stuffed our family suitcase full of individual packs of Chocos and cereal bars.

Everyone seems healthy today, so I'm hopeful there won't be any medical emergencies, although Hubby managed to lock himself in the bathroom this morning, so we almost had another type of emergency. Luckily there was enough space under the door for me to pass a knife through and he managed to use it to lever the door open. I had already tried doing my Cagney & Lacy moment of ramming the door open from the outside, but it just hurt my shoulder so I gave up.

Twin 1 and 2 have purple and pink hair respectively, today, as it is crazy hat and hair day at school (not sure why, something to do with Easter bonnets I think). Hubby asked if I was quite sure that the food colouring I used will wash out of their hair. I reassured him that it would. Actually I'm not sure, but I think a summer of swimming and sun should do the trick, so I'm sure they'll get back to their normal colour eventually. In the meantime they look like slightly mad old women, with their pink and purple rinses. I should really dress them in polyester slacks and give them surreptitious nips of cream sherry.

Son has made an enormous hat out of coloured paper, which announces 'I am 8' on it. Eight today! I can't believe it; eight years since that oh-so-painful night (he was born in Germany, and the Germans aren't quite so eager to offer pain relief as the Brits, so I had absolutely nothing to help, not even a poxy paracetamol). I remember some woman telling me that childbirth hurts, but it's a good pain, and you forget it quickly afterwards because of the joy of having a healthy baby in your arms. Yeah, right. Eight years on, and the memory is still pretty fresh in my mind, and I don't intend to repeat it, thanks.

Anyway, must go and finish packing: mustn't forget portable potty liners and neurofen!

holidays, yay!

Not long until we will be away from here and in Disneyland, hurrah. I'm a little nervous that someone will manage to be ill for the trip. Twin 2 spent half of last week running to the loo, and I've had a horrible throat virus thing over the weekend, so I'm confidently expecting one of the family to come down with bubonic plague or Lyme's disease or something during our week away.

Hubby is having quite stressful year-end budget-spending time at work, and Son has had school production (Cinderella and Rockerfella - he played the newspaper seller, a pivotal role), and birthday party. So everyone is very tired and ready for the hols. Because of course a six-hour flight to Hong Kong followed by a day in Disneyland will really relax and rejeuvenate (yeah, that's not how you spell it, is it?) us!

magic, dwarfs and unhappy toilet trips

I have just made not one but three star shaped birthday cakes.

Watch out Nigella (and now Sophie Dahl too, apparently - although she's not nearly chubby enough to be taken seriously as a domestic goddess; she'll need to put back on all those pounds she lost when she was modelling).

Yeah, well, okay, I cheated. I did refrigerator cakes, which basically means mixing up some crushed digestives with some melted chocolate. However, I am now almost ready for Son's very exciting birthday party on Saturday. And the most exciting part of all is that I only have to entertain the kids for half an hour until the magician takes over. Phew. I know it seems ridiculously early to be preparing for a party that isn't until the weekend, but the week will now become busy, busy, no time for pants, because it is also the Key Stage Two production, and Son has the pivotal role of newspaper seller in it, which entails late afternoon dress rehearsals and evening performances for the rest of the week (and I will of course be the taxi driver for this, which will cut right into any potential cake-making/game-planning/gift-bag-sorting time). Anyway, Hubby is away in Pokhara tonight (I know, again - he says its a meeting about a new playground on the camp there but I suspect sex, drugs and dwarfs; not necessarily in that order, either. Incidentally, did you know that the smallest man in the world is a Nepali? He was the second smallest man in the world, but the smallest, from China, sadly died last week, leaving our own little Nepali man to fill his teeny tiny shoes. He's had to travel to the Guiness Book of Records HQ to get verified, or so it said on the Nepal News website. I have no idea where the Guiness Book of Records HQ is, but my guess is that it's not in Pokhara. So at least the-smallest-man-in-the-world won't be involved in the sex, drugs and army officer scandal that is about to hit Pokhara - however most of his friends probably will be.), so there's ample opportunity for Nigella-ness and general stuff that doesn't involve Hubby. I might even watch an episode of Mad Men on my own and drink a glass of wine, too (ooh, that's living alright!). I'll hold off on the third series of Gavin & Stacey, though, as life wouldn't really be worth living if he found out I'd watched an episode of that without him.

I do need to go to bed soon, though. Twin 1 was up at five this morning with an urgent poo, which made her very sad, so I had to cuddle her back to sleep. It's quite understandable: an urgent poo at five in the morning is enough to make anyone unhappy. However, it does mean that I have now been awake far, far longer than I'm comfortable with, so I think I shall head up now, with my glass of wine and DVD and the taste of refrigerator cake scrapings still on my lips, to snuggle down and dream about magic, dwarfs and sad poos.

Nightie night x x

finished! well, almost...

Have just written the final scene to the book. No, don't get excited, it doesn't mean that I have written a whole new book already, merely that I have finally got round to writing the first and last scenes. So now I know how it ends (optimistically, but with a hint of sadness, since you ask). I didn't know quite how it would end until I actually wrote it. I had all the main characters in a little boat on a lake. Then I realised that I was missing one, so she had to appear on the shore and swim out to them. I also realised that another one got in the way a bit, so I have written her out. I think I will just have to kill her off somewhere in act two. So now I have written a couple of thousand words for the beginning of the book, and a couple of thousand words for the end. All I have to do now is fill in the ninety-six thousand words in the middle. I guess I should be able to do that by this time next year, don't you think?

Have to go, need to have lunch and scary Nepali lesson now (tempted to skive as I have not done my homework - plus ca change and all that, it's just like hiding in the stationery cupboard to get out of maths).

Bye xx

why does Kylie show her bottom?

Finally got hold of laptop. It has been used for music vids and Transformers DVDs all night. Twins 1 and 2 have been watching quite a lot of Kylie Minogue and Katy Perry recently. Twin 1 wants to know 'Why does Kylie show her bottom all the time? Doesn't she know that it's rude?'. To which I have no response. Perhaps we should contact Kylie and ask her?

Just got back from watching Coronation Street with the wayward teachers (actually not wayward at all, all in long-term monogamous relationships, so no good whatsoever to satisfy my desire for a bit of gossip. Well, there was a bit of gossip, but nothing more exciting than which teachers are leaving at the end of the year - which is supposed to be a big secret until it gets officially announced next term, but all the playground mums have been talking about for weeks). Two of the un-wayward teachers are leaving, which will only leave one for me to watch Coronation Street with. And as I am only invited as the supplier of BFBS discs and duty free red wine, I suspect it will all fizzle out. Shame.

Hubby in Pokhara, yet again. Miss him, but know that he will not be missing me - he will be drinking beer in a sleazy lakeside bar. So, he gets to go out to a resort and get chatted up by lots of bar girls, meanwhile I watch a few year-old episodes of a soap and eat too much chocolate brownie, with a handful of primary school teachers. Does that seem fair to you? (Although evil Tony the factory owner did get his shirt off and get out his spurtle at one point, which made for quite exciting viewing...)

The blooming car has broken down again. I'm tempted just to sell the useless skip of a machine. However, we have had so many bits replaced now that it is practically brand new on the inside. Also I think we need to get our cost-per-wear (or however that translates into vehicle spares) out of the spare parts.

Ooh, talking of cost-per-wear, I've had to crack open the winter clothes and I've got my cashmere on again. I can't tell you how excited I was to be able to wear the new grey jumper. Well, I could tell you, but it wouldn't be very interesting.

The whole diet thing has been almost abandoned (certainly was this evening as I had second helpings of chocolate brownie). Luckily the scales have disappeared from the gym, so I don't know the awful truth of my weight. And we are on a pre-holiday crackdown on spending, so I won't be seeing any clothes shop changing room mirrors in the near future, so I think I should just stop wearing my jeans and try not to think about the whole bottom-the-size-of-the-Niger-delta issue.

I have to go now, before the generator gets switched off. Take care xx

apologies for absence

I'm not entirely sure what I've been doing that makes it so difficult to write at the moment. Probably just that the laptop is snaffled up by the kids for DVD watching/music vid playing at every available opportunity.

I would write something now, but I am far, far too busy creating invitations for Son's 'magic' party next weekend. And tomorrow I am going to be busy finding a star-shaped cake tin. And I will probably spend the whole of next week wrapping the pass-the-blooming-parcel.

Will write more tomorrow, after exciting night of Coronation Street with the wayward teachers xx

unmentionables

Hubby is out. He is having dinner with some woman from the Australian Embassy to talk about building services contracts, or something. At least, that's what he says. I think I believe him as he did not exactly leap out of the door with the wind up his tail when he left at six.

Went to an earthquake evening on Monday - very informative (but somewhat scary) talk given by seismic expert. I tried not to think flippant thoughts about whether he asks his girlfriend "Did the earth move for you?" when they have hanky panky. Not sure if he has time for a girlfriend or hanky panky, though, as he spends all his time travelling the globe in search of interesting seismic hotspots (worryingly, he says he spends quite a lot of time in Kathmandu).

Apparently Nepal is right on the boundary of a tectonic collision between the Indian subcontinent and the Eurasian plate. The collision is happening at the rate of three and a half centimetres per year, which is pretty nifty, in tectonic terms. Anyway, we're all doomed, although there's no telling when. There could be an earthquake tonight, or in one hundred years time.

After the talk Hubby got out the house plans, which show where the earthquake resistant walls are in the house. If the earthquake happens at night, then the kids should be okay, but Hubby and I will probably plummet to an early death.

I would usually seek consolation from scary earthquake facts in a little light shopping. However, we are on a shopping ban until after Disneyland Hong Kong at Easter. I can't even eat or drink my way to comfort as I'm back on the bikini diet (green day today - lots of pasta and salad but no chocolate or gin). I suppose I could console myself with a nice bit of raw carrot. I think there may even be some limp lettuce leaves at the bottom of the fridge somewhere. Oh how yummy.

Tomorrow night there is a wine and cheese and art thingy on camp. I have invited lots of people. Don't think many will turn up though. I don't have much faith in my ability to charismatically rally lots of people to a function. However, I will send another text to everyone and wait outside camp at seven and see just how much of a Norma no-mates I really am...

It's nearly nine now. Do you think Hubby is really talking building contracts at the Australian Embassy, or is he in a gimp mask having his buttocks thrashed by a woman dressed in a black bin bag?

Yeah, I think he's still talking work at dinner too.

If there had been any sauciness to attend to I think he would have put better underpants on this morning, but as it was it was an old pair with an unmentionable hole in (unmentionable - just realised what a wierd word that is - think I might start using it more often, as an adjective, where it makes no sense at all, but will be good to use instead of lying: eg.

Son: Was the assembly on recycling interesting, Mummy?

Me: It was unmentionably good, Son.

or maybe

Twin 1: What was I like when I was a baby, Mummy?

Me: You were a quite unmentionable baby. etc.) then I think he's probably not.

Right, I should probably go.

Do have an unmentionable day! xxx

Lovely friends V&H have now gone, which we are all sad about. Mr B has also gone, which I am less sad about. Now I'm not spending my evenings writing an imaginary diary about a smelly bear (actually not smelly any more as I put him in the washing machine), so might write to you a bit more.

BGN ball on Friday. Better than last year, I thought (although that might be simply because I drank more and stayed up later than last year). Wonderbra did not arrive in time, so had to wear horrible flesh coloured 'body' thingy and lots of tit tape instead. Didn't really do the trick, actually - had to dance with arms across chest.

Hubby found his ideal woman: a blonde banker from Finland who is also a yachtswoman in her spare time, and terribly good looking. Unfortunately for him I was sat between them.

We were fairly useless parents on Saturday. Forced the kids to watch Moulin Rouge with us in the morning. They would much rather have been watching Monsters vs Aliens but we were hungover and selfish.

Decided to start diet again today (lapsed massively last week, what with going out to eat with V&H and the ball etc).

Had hideous headache all day yesterday, and secret fears that I might have a brain tumour. Turns out it's just blocked sinuses.

Have just booked our Easter holiday to Hong Kong, hurrah. This is great, but does mean that I have spent all morning looking at hotel websites instead of writing my book - useless!

Mr B is back

Don't expect much from me at the moment as Mr Bigglesworth is back. Twin 1 said that Mrs Dog wouldn't love him any more unless they got married. So now they are husband and wife. And now I have to go and write this in Mr Bigglesworth's diary, along with a picture of him and Mrs Dog's wedding...