(gə-nāsh') also Ga·ne·sha (-nā'shə)
n. Hinduism
The god of wisdom and the remover of obstacles, depicted as a short fat boy with four arms and elephant's head. He likes to eat sweets. His mode of transport is a giant rat.
Oh, look at me, I’m all fingers and thumbs today. Can you pick that up for me, Shelley? My back’s playing up again…Thanks, love. Do you want a cup of tea, Mrs Jones…A Cup Of Tea? Yes?...Shelley, get Mrs Jones a cup of tea, will you.
Who died, Mrs Jones? Your sister-in-law? I’m very sorry…oh, your son-in-law. How terrible. That must be very hard…do you want larger rollers at the front, like last time?
Here’s your tea…Tea…careful it’s hot. Careful! Run and get a cloth will you Shelley, love.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
Oh, hello Mrs Lavery, you’re early today. You caught the eleven fifty? Well you can always use the toilet here, you know. Yes, they do a lovely cheddar cob. Shelley, help Mrs Lavery to the toilet, will you.
Now, Mrs Jones, lets get you under the dryer, shall we?...Under The Dryer…watch out for your…Shelley, love, get a dustpan, will you, and clean up this broken mug.
There, are you comfortable Mrs Jones? Would you like something to read while you’re under?...Something To Read?...Shelley, bring Mrs Jones a magazine, will you. Thanks, love.
Oh, Mrs Lavery, is that better? Yes, it is in a bit of an awkward place, I keep asking Ken to fix it. There you are, sit down and I’ll get Shelley to bring you a cup of tea. What are we doing this time? Did you like Ash Whisper or would you rather go back to Silver Mist? Yes, it is, yes, very flattering on your skin tone when you’re…
STOP SCRATCHING YOUR BALLS!
Sorry, Mrs Lavery. Shelley, love, get out there and tell him. I won’t have people hanging about outside and doing things like that. And tell his friends to stop gawping. We’re a salon, not a zoo. Now Mrs Lavery, where were we? Thanks, Shelley. Will you get Mrs Lavery a cup of tea, thanks love. So you were saying, Silver Mist…
PISS OFF!
Sorry Mrs Lavery. Shelley, will you tell those ethnics to sling their hooks. I do apologise, Mrs Lavery. Where was I? Yes, banana boat, you’re quite right. And it’s our taxes that pay for them, I know. Here’s your tea. Careful, it’ll be…Shelley, love, run and get the cloth, will you.
So you’re settled on Silver Mist, then? Let’s just comb it through before we start. How has your week been? Biopsy? Oh, yes, Ken had to have one of those when…anal probe? Yes, I should think you would. Hypo what? Oh, glycemic. What’s that when it’s at home? Biscuits? Yes, you can’t take any chances. Shelly, love, go and see if we’ve got any biscuits for Mrs Lavery.
I’LL CALL THE POLICE, YOU LITTLE SHITS!
Sorry, where was I? Yes, Mrs Lavery, but that’s no excuse. I’m sorry, but they live in our country now, and they have to abide by our laws. Yes, I know, and in the middle of the High Street, too! What’s that? Goat curry?
Did you hear that, Shelley, Mrs Lavery says goat curry! Shelley, what is it, love? No? Oh, well, take fifty pence from the till and pop over the road for some. And if you see those ethnics, tell them I know where they live. What’s that Mrs Lavery? No, I don’t.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
Oh, hello Mrs Quaite, how are you? Just take a seat and I’ll be with you in a moment. Shelley will get you a cup of tea when she gets back. How’s the new flat? They charge you to what? …Did you hear that, Mrs Lavery? Mrs Quaite says they’re charging her twenty pounds to change a light bulb in the new flat. I know, they say not to climb up on a chair in case you fall, and then - I tell you what, Mrs Quaite, next time give me a call and I’ll get Ken to change it for you, for a fiver! What’s that? No, we never have the radio on, the council won’t let us have a music licence. It must be Shelley’s phone. Sorry, do you mind Mrs Lavery, I’ll just take it for her…Hello? No, it’s not Shelley, she’s just popped out for custard creams. Oh, I see, I’ll tell her when she gets back. It’s the school, Mrs Quaite, Gracie-May has fallen off the monkey bars. They’re taking her to hospital. Monkey bars? It’s like a climbing frame.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
Oh, Shelley, love, I’m glad you’re back. You’ve just had a call from the school. Gracie-May has fallen off the monkey bars and they’re taking her to hospital. Give me the custard creams and you get your coat. Monkey bars, Mrs Lavery…it’s like a climbing frame. Yes, Shelley, love, but we’ll manage, you get yourself off and go and be with your little girl. Really? Close by? Qualified? No, I don’t mind having a man in the salon. Well, I could use an extra pair of hands now Mrs Quaite’s here too. All right then. Ganesh. Thanks Shelley, love, and give Gracie-May a kiss from her Aunty Pam.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
Right then Mrs Lavery, if you’d like to come over to the sink.
Mrs Quaite, I’ll have to do your tea in a moment.
How are you, Mrs Jones, is it too hot under there…Too Hot? No, good. I’ll check on you again in a little while, then.
Oh the phone!
Hold on a second, Mrs Lavery, just leave the water running.
Yes, Mrs Quaite, I’ll get you a magazine when I’ve taken this call. Yes I do smell burning.
Are you sure you’re alright under there, Mrs Jones…Mrs Jones!
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
Oh, Ganesh, love, get the phone will you? Mrs Jones, I think you’re done…You’re Done! Yes, let’s get you up, shall we?
Ganesh, when you’ve written down that appointment, will you get Mrs Quaite a magazine and a cup of tea, thanks love.
Hang on, Mrs Lavery, I’m just coming. You’re right, there is something wrong with the shower head. I keep telling Ken to fix it, but you know what he’s like.
Ganesh, love, when you’ve done the tea, can you just use your trunk to sluice down Mrs Lavery’s hair and then shampoo in half a bottle of Silver Mist. Thanks, love.
Happy with your magazine, Mrs Quaite?
Ganesh, when you’ve done Mrs Lavery, can you bring Mrs Quaite another magazine. No, Jordan was last week’s. She wants the one with Kerry Katona going into the Priory. Thanks, love. Oh, and bring the custard creams…Mrs Jones, if you just sit down here by the mirror.
Ganesh, if you could just towel off Mrs Lavery and make a start with her rollers. The pink ones at the back, bric-a-brac – not too tight, mind, she’s got a sensitive scalp.
Mrs Jones, let’s get these rollers out, shall we? What’s that? Shelley looks different today? No, love, it’s Shelley’s friend Ganesh…Ganesh…he’s just helping out because Shelley’s Gracie-May fell off the monkey bars and they’re taking her to hospital…Monkey Bars…its like a climbing frame.
Ganesh, love, I can see a traffic warden coming. You’d better pop out and move your rat before you get a ticket. No, you can just park at the back next to the wheelie bin.
That colour has come up lovely, Mrs Jones, let’s brush it through. Do you want hairspray today? …Hairspray? Yes, that looks really nice.
Ganesh, can you take Mrs Jones’ money and help her on with her coat. No, Ganesh, the sweets are for the customers. Get your trunk out of there! Oh, he is a cheeky one, isn’t he, Mrs Jones? I Said He’s A Cheeky One. Goodbye Mrs Jones. See you next week.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
So, Mrs Lavery, lets have a look at those rollers. Oh, Ganesh has done a nice job. Where did you say you got your qualification, Ganesh? Dharma? No, not heard of it, is it near Mansfield?
FUCK OFF, YOU BLOODY ETHNIC BASTARDS!
Ganesh, love, do me a favour and set your rat on them. I know, but if you call the police they do nothing about it, and I’ve had it up to here with them today. Thanks.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
Right then, Mrs Lavery, lets get you under the dryer, shall we?
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
What’s that Mrs Quaite? Yes, the screaming is a bit loud, isn’t it? I’d turn up the music, but as I said, the council won’t let us have a music licence.
Ganesh, love, can you get your rat to disembowel the ethnics a bit further up the street. Yes, it is a bit loud, especially with us not having any music on. It’s putting Mrs Quaite off her magazine.
[A bell rings as the door opens and closes]
So, Mrs Quaite, would you like to come and sit down next to the mirror. We were talking about you going russet for the festive season…
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